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JSONHumor
I think these are funny. You may or may not agree.
Quote | Author | |||
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Amateurs built the Ark. Professionals built the Titanic. | ||||
| Did you ever notice that, if you eliminate punctuation, 'The I.R.S.' spells 'THEIRS'? | ||||
| 'Global warming' is just another term for 'good weather.' | ||||
| Non calor sed umor est qui nobis incommodat. (It's not the heat, it's the humidity.) | ||||
| That's not a jury of my peers, they're all common citizens! | ||||
| There are only 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don't. | ||||
| WARNING: I cannot be held responsible for the above, as apparently my cats have learned how to type. | ||||
| When the rotor stops turning, a helicopter assumes the glide ratio of a set of car keys. | ||||
| Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. | ||||
| And I find chopsticks frankly distressing. Am I alone in thinking it odd that a people ingenious enough to invent paper, gunpowder, kites and any number of other useful objects, and who have a noble history extending back 3,000 years haven’t yet worked out that a pair of knitting needles is no way to capture food? | Bill Bryson | |||
| Nothing good ever happens after midnight. | Bo Schembechler | |||
| You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, and Germany doesn't want to go to war. | Chris Rock, 2003 | |||
| Sufficiently advanced cluelessness is indistinguishable from malice. | Clark's Law (J. Porter Clark, NASA) | |||
| If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.' | Dave Barry | |||
| You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe Daylight Savings Time. | Dave Barry | |||
| Although I can accept talking scarecrows, lions, and great wizards of emerald cities, I find it hard to believe there is no paperwork involved when your house lands on a witch. | Dave James | |||
| People who hate cats will come back as mice in their next life. | Faith Resnick | |||
| When I am dictator, anyone convicted of literary criticism will be drawn and quartered, dragged through the streets as a salutary lesson to the wise, and dropped in the public drains. | Fred Reed | |||
| You know how dumb the average guy is? Well, by definition, half of them are even dumber than that. | George Carlin | |||
| Life is complex; it has real and imaginary parts. | Greg Benford | |||
| The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. | Harlan Ellison | |||
| There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full. | Henry Kissinger | |||
| All parts should go together without forcing. You must remember that the parts you are reassembling were disassembled by you. Therefore, if you can't get them together again, there must be a reason. By all means, do not use a hammer. | IBM maintenance manual, 1925 | |||
| We have advanced to new and surprising levels of bafflement. | Imperial Auditor Miles Vorkosigan | |||
| As a lifelong Star Trek fan, I would love to live in an age when the globe was united in peace and prosperity, but I am unwilling to endure the paradigm-wrecking nation-shattering nuclear war and eugenic-master-race tyranny required to get to that point. | James Lileks | |||
| Humor is emotional chaos remembered in tranquility. | James Thurber | |||
| Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion. | Jed Babbin, former Deputy Undersecretary of Defense | |||
| Lawyers are the only persons for whom ignorance of the law is not punished. | Jeremy Bentham | |||
| If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error. | John Kenneth Galbraith | |||
| Power corrupts; absolute power is kind of neat. | John Lehman | |||
| I don't mind occasionally having to reinvent a wheel; I don't even mind using someone's reinvented wheel occasionally. But it helps a lot if it is symmetric, contains no fewer than ten sides, and has the axle centered. I do tire of trapezoidal wheels with offset axles. | Joseph Newcomer | |||
| No matter how cynical I get, I just can't keep up. | Lily Tomlin | |||
| You are what you eat... which kind of accounts for vegetarians, I guess. | L. Neil Smith | |||
| Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it. | Mark Twain | |||
| We have a criminal jury system which is superior to any in the world; and its efficiency is only marred by the difficulty of finding twelve men every day who don't know anything and can't read. | Mark Twain | |||
| I have a basic rule about art. If I can duplicate it, it ain't art. | Neal Boortz | |||
| I believe that the Good Lord gave us a finite number of heartbeats and I'm damned if I'm going to use up mine running up and down a street. | Neil Armstrong | |||
| When you go into court, you are putting your fate in the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. | Norm Crosby | |||
| Of course, America had often been discovered before Columbus, but it has always been hushed up. | Oscar Wilde | |||
| We're the baddest-assed sons of bitches that ever jogged in Reeboks. We're three-quarters grizzly bear and two-thirds car-wreck and descended from a stock-market crash on our mother's side. You take your Germany, France, and Spain, roll them all together, and it wouldn't give us room to park our cars. We're the big boys, Jack, the original giant, economy-sized new and improved butt-kickers of all time... And we've got an American Express credit card limit higher than your piss-ant metric numbers go. | P.J. O'Rourke | |||
| George W. Bush, at his most beneficent, said if illegal immigrants wanted citizenship they would have to do three things: Pay taxes, learn English, and work in a meaningful job. Bush doesn't meet two out of three of those qualifications. | P.J. O'Rourke | |||
| What would you say to high pay, steady work, unlimited expense account, your own boss on the job, and lots of variety and adventure? I'd say, 'Get those goddamn reindeer off my roof!' Shove it, Pop--there's no such job. | Robert A. Heinlein | |||
| While the rest of the human race are descended from monkeys, redheads derive from cats. | Robert A. Heinlein | |||
| Status quo,' you know, that is Latin for 'the mess we're in.' | Ronald Reagan | |||
| All inanimate objects are scientifically divided into three categories: Those that break down, those that don't work, and those that can't be repaired. | Russell Baker | |||
| Murphy's revenge: The more reliable you make a system, the longer it will take you to figure out what's wrong when it breaks. | Sean Donelan | |||
| If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. | Steven Wright | |||
| Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life. | Terry Pratchett. | |||
| When they call the roll in the Senate, the Senators do not know whether to answer 'Present' or 'Not guilty.' | Theodore Roosevelt | |||
| That is something up with which I will not put. | Winston Churchill | |||
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